taking a deep breath...

In less than a week I'm starting over.

I'm saying good bye to dreams of the past and ushering in new dreams for the future.

On Monday, June 13th, I'm returning to school to pursue a Special Education teaching degree while simultaneously pursuing a Masters in Education at UW-Stout.

I'm taking a deep breath and diving into waters I didn't ever imagine myself in, and I couldn't be more excited!

Last year after leaving a job at a church that I loved deeply (the job & the church) I started subbing in our local school district to bring in some money. Gary and I had laughed and joked through the years about how funny it would be if I were teaching - because it didn't seem to fit me. But we needed the money and so I went for it. My first job was a long term Special Ed Assistant.  I worked with J, a 5th grader who I came to adore and it woke something within me. On my first day one of the teachers said, "You're the best we've had in here, how long have you been doing this?"

In the fall I returned to subbing, and you know what? I really like being in the educational world! And I especially like and feel good in the SPED (Special Education) environment. So I started looking at what it would take to get my teaching license and if ~~~ A GREAT BIG "IF" ~~~ I decided to do that, what area would I want to teach in?

For MONTHS I poured over different programs and finally in March met with the Program Director from a program at Stout. We had a great meeting and after more prayer and discussion, Gary and I both felt like this was the path for me.

So I'm reflecting...I know, shocking to those of you who really know me, anyway, reflecting on the last 18 months. Comparing where we are today and where we were. Re-processing through emotions and pain and unanswered questions. And I find myself feeling extremely grateful. Our God is mighty, He is a healer and a provider. He fills in the empty places of my heart.

I think the biggest thing that tries to haunt me is unanswered questions. Why did that person say one thing and do another? Why won't that person acknowledge me? Why were lies believed? Why didn't someone just ASK me? What makes me unworthy, in that person's eyes, of even the most basic of human interactions? Each one of those unanswered questions is an empty place in my heart. They used to be painful places where so many emotions had passed through...anger, resentment, hurt, contempt, suspicion, abandonment, self-pity, hatred, fear, pride. But now those places just feel really empty - like a cave. You walk in and you know that there used to be something in there, and maybe if you venture deep enough in you'll encounter something stirring, but there's light too...and you're a little uneasy because in your brain you know you are perfectly safe...but your heart is beating a little harder because it just feels weird in there. Well, God is filling in the caves. Some He is filling in completely, the entrance is blocked off and we just don't go in there anymore. My time in that cave has to be done now. Other caves He is filling with light, and we have to go in there and take a look around and discover what's actually hidden in the shadows.

There are some major lifelines that have contributed to my healing this year. First and foremost, Ethos. Last year when our church blew up, there were several families that just didn't know where to go, what to do, but knew they didn't want to be alone. We were one of those families. We have journeyed with the absolute best of the best this year -- I'm biased I know, but if you'd lived through what I'd lived through and walked it with these people, you'd know I'm right! We called ourselves Ethos, it's Greek, look it up.

We joined together and we walked forward. And we cried. And we processed. And we said bad words (not all of us, but some of us). And we challenged each other. And we prayed. And we healed. We forgave. And we're still working on it. Some of us have moved on, physically and spiritually to other places.

My family started visiting churches a couple months ago. I'm not exaggerating here, this was literally impossible for us a year ago. And we think we've found a place "to land" for a while. Honestly, if it weren't for our kids needing a Youth community, we probably would not have taken this step. I met with the pastor, shared where we've been, and the response was perfect. "It seems like your family has been through quite a storm, maybe you need a safe harbor for a while." Yes. Thank you.

So we've found that the old adage "You can't have your cake and eat it too" isn't always true. We seem to have a place where we can go for corporate worship, a church where our kids can join with other youth to worship, grow and just hangout. At the same time, we still have our wonderful Ethos community, our place of absolute love and safety, truth, accountability and vulnerability. We still gather and study God's word together, we are still journeying together, we still do cook outs!

Lifeline #2: my counselor. I don't think I can quite describe how strongly I feel about good therapy. In my years of ministry I would frequently suggest to people that they seek the help of a therapist/counselor and so often I got resistance from them. I'm sure stigma has something to do with it, especially in some Christian circles. And for the life of me, I just don't get it. I heard a minister say once that a pastor that is in therapy should not be teaching/preaching. What in the world? I have come to think that perhaps EVERY pastor that is teaching/preaching SHOULD be in therapy, should have a place that they can go to talk and sort things out, to vent, to be ugly, to be human.

Thirdly, people! As I sit on the diving board, ready to take the plunge into new waters, I'm so very grateful for these lifelines. While the source of our greatest pain is most often other people, God is making sure that I don't forget that they can also be used to heal, bring new life. You know why it isn't scary on this diving board? Because I am surrounded by people that love me and are cheering me on. They're standing on the board behind me, huge smiles, saying "You've got this!" They are in the water looking up at me shouting "Come in! The water's great! It's so fun in here! You're going to love it!"

Back in March, sitting at a wrestling meet with my parents, I told them I was going to go back to school and get my teaching license. My stepmom grabbed me, hugged me, huge smile on her face. No questions, no worries, no warnings. Complete and total support. My dad has offered to entertain bored kids while I do school work {he has no idea what he's signed himself up for}.

Last, but certainly not least in any sense of the word, my amazing husband. He encourages me when I forget who I am. He stands up for me when I can't or won't stand up for myself. He eagerly embraces all that it means for our family financially, emotionally, schedule, time and energy for me to return to school full time. I can't say that Gary is supportive of me going back to school, that would be an understatement of enormous proportions. He might be more excited than I am! I'm a lucky woman.

This is what God's surrounded me with.

In less than a week I'm starting over.