About a week ago my son was at a practice and as he was running, surpassing those around him, even the older boys, someone yelled out to him "Why don't you run all the way back to your slave master!"
Why don't you run all the way back to your slave master.
Read it again. Let it sink in. Don't rush past the ugliness. Picture my sweet son's face as you read it. Think about his determination, skill, hard work, commitment to athletics, hours upon hours of practice and pushing himself -- think about those things and then read it again.
It's important to think about WHY it happened. The context in which it happened. My son was winning, succeeding, surpassing the other boys. And what boiled up inside one of those boys was contempt. It was "I don't like that he is best at this." And a decision was made, probably an unconscious decision, to put my son in his place. To tell him that it doesn't matter how fast you run, how successful you are, I will always be better than you and YOU should know your place. And your place? It is below me. THAT is what drives a young man to shout something so hateful and demeaning to someone that he knows, has known, and will continue to play and compete with.
Here's the beautiful part. Our son did not hear it, but another boy did and was so bothered by it that he went home and told his mom. I can't help but think of the Mr. Rogers quote:
“When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, "Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.”
It encourages me that someone else, someone white, could not leave this alone. He could not let it go unnoticed. Thank you young friend.
Here's the painful part. Talking to our son about it. I didn't want to. I wanted to spare him that pain. I didn't want him to know that someone he competes with would do that. I didn't want him to walk into interactions with this other boy knowing what he had said. But we had to. We had to inform him, equip him, prepare him. We had to explain where that comes from, the importance of seeing that it happened because he was excelling and people don't like that. We had to explain to him that we do not let the spirit in which those ugly words were uttered, we do not let that spirit win. We had to explain that those kinds of words have been used for centuries to hold people back, to put them down, to slow them down. We had to tell him that consciously or unconsciously, that was an attempt to slow him down. We had to explain that minorities, women, homosexuals, disabled individuals, that some of them have been so beaten down by words that they've stopped giving all they had. They slowed down their running just a bit to avoid that pain. They've backed off the academics just a little to make others more comfortable. They've held back their words to silence the hate. And then we had to tell him that he does not get to do that.
We told him that he has God given talent and skill and he has worked so hard and that is an amazing combination, talent and hard work. We told him that we don't give a shit how ugly it gets, we will be standing alongside him, in front of him, behind him, protecting him, fighting for him, silencing any hatred that comes his way. Because f**k you racism. F**k you. You do not get to win.
As our kids were growing up, before we ever knew we would be a bi-racial family, we purposely exposed our kids to people different than us. We bought dolls and action figures that were all races and both genders. We spent time with people that practiced a different religion or were from a different culture than what is the norm in Northwestern Wisconsin. We wanted them to know that there is a whole wide world of people out there that are different from us. They are not better or worse than us, they are different. But that was not enough. We had to talk about it. As they grew we had to be intentional about talking about the differences in how we look, think and act, but that underneath it all, we are humans. We are loved by God, we are the same. We had to talk about how some people don't understand that, and are mean and ugly with that misunderstanding.
Here's the point...it is not enough to NOT be racist, sexist, homophobic, etc. You have to talk about it with your kids (Or your neighbors, your parents, your friends, your co-workers). We have to talk about it. We cannot pretend it doesn't exist anymore. It does.
Both Gary and I have had very recent conversations with students while studying things like the Holocaust that center around their frustration that we have to study such topics. "Why does it even matter anymore? No one thinks that way anymore! No one here in Wisconsin thinks that way." I've actually been a little encouraged by that, loving that young people see racism as something old and antiquated. My response is always, "It matters, it still exists, and we must never forget where hate will take us." And then a member of their generation told my son to run back to his slave master. Let me tell you first hand: Racism is not dead. It still exists. Even in young people. Even in Eau Claire, WI.
So here's my challenge. Have some conversations with the people in your world. Stop the person telling the inappropriate joke. Confront fear in the people you know, and maybe take a look into the mirror and see what still exists in you. Fight this ugliness with me.